Weighty Matters

OK.....I admit it....I am one of those Americans. You know...one of the ones that they show on the evening news from the neck down, walking down the sidewalk or in the mall holding a giant hot dog or ice cream cone in their hand, while the newscaster somberly talks about the "obesity epidemic" in America. (And I must say, if they ever showed me in one of those shots, somebody would be getting their little news station sued!) Yes, I'm overweight....trying to shed some pounds. FUN TIMES, I tell you...FUN TIMES!

I started dieting because our Pastor decided that our church needs to go on a diet. That includes...well, a lot of us. Except Heather. He actually gave her exemption from the pulpit. Apparently it's a new Commandment or something..."Thou shalt all diet except for Heather, who can attend as many pancake breakfasts as she wants and eat until she's ill." Poor thing.

Now, it's no wonder we all need to diet. We eat at every function we have. I'm serious...it's ridiculous. Somebody gets married - let's celebrate and let's eat! Somebody dies - we sorrowfully provide a banquet feast. Have a church meeting....who's volunteering to bring food? Pastor Appreciation? Sure, let's bake him a cake! There's a joke about kids bringing an item of their faith to school for show and tell. The Catholic kid brings his rosary....the Jewish kid brings his yarmulke....and the Baptist kid brings his casserole dish. It would be funny if it weren't actually true!

So, I'm trying to lose weight. I know I need to do it because my health has not been great for a while now. So far, I've done so-so. I think I've lost about 10 pounds. Which is better than nothing. And you'd be amazed at what a difference 10 pounds can make. But weird things happen to your senses when you start trying to diet. For instance, my desk is located close to the break room in our office. I suddenly have an overly keen awareness of every food odor coming from that room anymore. No matter if it's something I hate...something they accidentally burn in the toaster (and they do that all the time)...or something that smells like it died about 3 days ago and sat around for a while before they cooked it....it all smells GOOD! It's like a cat-like sniffing sensory skill has taken over my body. Which kind of scares me.

Also, I suddenly notice that practically every commercial on television has something to do with food. Even the stupid DIET commercials spend the whole time showing FOOD! Who's the idiot that came up with that ad campaign?? Good grief!

And I suddenly want things to eat that I never really wanted before. Yesterday at lunch, you know what I wanted? Chili Cheese Fries. Chili..Cheese..Fries. Who eats that for lunch? I've never had those for lunch. Not a lunch where I have to go back and work in an office for the rest of the day. I mean, do I think I'm at an amusement park or something? Why on earth am I craving Chili Cheese Fries? This does not even make sense to me. My body is trying to sabotage itself!!

So, though the forces of...well, everything...tries to work against me, I keep plodding along...trying to get the weight under control. My doctor has a cartoon up on his wall which so very subtly delivers the hint as a doctor asks his patient: "What is more inconvenient for your busy schedule...exercising 30 minutes a day, or being dead 24 hours a day?"

Hmm...that's something to think about. I'll get back to ya doc, just as soon as this commercial for Popeye's fried chicken goes off....