Take Two Pills and Call Me Crazy...

I'm suffering from blog withdrawal. I've had so much going on at work that I'm just exhausted when I get home and can't get the creative writing juices flowing. That, and I've been sick.

Every year about this time the same thing happens. All I have to do is look at a tree with little white buds on it, and the head closes up tighter than a bank on Sunday. Can't breathe. Some little tiny person starts pounding little tiny hammers all across my sinus cavities. My eyes alternate between burning like a match and watering like a faucet. My head screams in rebellion at anything even resembling light. Yes my friends, it is time for seasonal allergies. And it is miserable.

So, this year I finally broke down and went to the doctor for it. Yes, you read that right. The doctor. In case you're not aware of my feelings about doctors, let me be clear. I don't like 'em. At all. So on my way to the doctor I'm thinking "I can't believe I'm actually going to the doctor" and trying to psychoanalyze myself as to why I despise doctors so much. I think I've figured it out.

They do dumb things to me, give me bad advice, then take my money.

You scoff at this? Read on, dear friends...

Let's see, there was the time that I had a horrible cough for about a month or longer. It was really deep, and wasn't making any attempt to move out and leave me alone. So I go to the doctor. This was a female named Dr. Milambiling. That name alone should have clued me into the fact that this was not going to end well. So she comes into the room and asks me what's wrong. OK...I'm sitting there barking like a seal with every word I try to say, but she's not sure what's wrong. So she walks to me with this glaring look and listens to my lungs. Then she sits down and starts writing. And writing. And writing. Finally, I bark out "Are you gonna give me something for this??" She then looks at me and says.."How long do you smoke??" WHAT??? "I don't smoke" was my not so patient reply. "Mm Hmm" she says with a "I don't believe you" smirk. Then she says..."I give you prescription, but don't fill it." I looked at her and said "Excuse me??" "Don't fill...just take cough medicine." Honestly. That's what she told me. I said "Thank you very much", took the prescription and got it filled. It's a wonder it even cleared up the problem. The woman was insane. And that marked the last trip to Mrs. Milambiling.

A while later I come up with another problem. Tore my toenail off. Have you ever done that? It's really not a lot of fun. Well, as you might expect, my toe got infected. And it wouldn't clear up. So...it's either go to the doctor or amputate. I relent. End up with MR. Milambiling this time. So he comes in and asks what's wrong. I take off my shoe and tell him, "I think my toe is infected." He kneels down on the floor in front of me and stares at my toe. And stares. And stares. If you want to be a part of something kind of creepy, have a perfect stranger kneel in front of you and stare at your toe for an extended period of time. Really. It'll keep you up at night thinking about it afterward. **shudder**

So anyway, I finally say - "Uhm..are you going to do something here?" He looks up at me and says "You have an infected toe." I reply "I know I have an infected toe." He says "You know this?" Good Night. What is wrong with this dude?? I say "Yes, I believe I just told you I have an infected toe." He then says "See, you have too much toenail missing." Then he takes an ink pen out of his pocket and (I promise with all of my soul that I am not making this up) DRAWS on my toe to "show me" where the toenail is supposed to be. It's a thousand wonders I didn't kick him in the chin. I said "Excuse me...did you just draw on my toe??!" Apparently the answer to that was yes. And then he has the audacity to look at me like I'm the one with the problem. And that marked the last trip to MR. Milambiling.

Then there was the doctor I went to because of another problem I was having that I will not elaborate on. (Trust me, that is something you'll want to be thankful for.) So, she comes in and starts asking a million questions. Then she says.."Are you depressed?" ?????? "Well, not really", I respond. "Are you sure?" "Prrretty sure" "It's OK to admit you know. Here, let me give you a pamphlet about suicide..." OK - what kind of psycho have I picked out this time? I looked at her and said "I don't need a pamphlet about suicide, but I might need one about murder in a minute." (OK, I didn't say that. But I was thinking it.) So then she asks something about my weight, and I tell, "Yeah, I know I need to lose weight." Her response? "Oh no - I'm not being critical about your weight. I wouldn't worry about that. It's just your body's way of telling you this is the size you need to be." OK, first of all..that didn't even make sense. I tell her..."Listen lady, I ain't no doctor, but I know I need to lose weight!" She seemed shocked. And that marked the last trip to psycho suicide doctor.

I don't think any beats stickman though. Had a bump on my gum..was really weird. The only thing I hate worse than a doctor is a dentist, so I went to the doctor. He looks at it, pushes on it, prods around a little then asks "Does it hurt?" I said "No, it doesn't hurt at all." "Hmm"..he says..."How long's it been there?" Well, while I'm answering he reaches down and gets one of those tongue depressor sticks and pushes on it a little. Then, suddenly, he rears the stick back and JABS it. Seeing how I was completely not expecting that..and that it HURT, I yelped! He looks at me in surprise and says..."I thought you said it didn't hurt?!" To which I replied "Well I've Never Jabbed It With A Stick Before!!!" Yeah, I think that was about the last time I went to that dude too.

So, I have decided that it's just easier to live with the little hammers on my face and sucking up Sinex like it's going out of style. I might be miserable, but at least I won't be locked up because I've strangled my practitioner. That would be really depressing.

Of course, if it gets too bad, at least I have that pamphlet to fall back on...