Animal Insanity

I had a bad feeling about today. The signs were out there that it might be a crazy kind of day. The animals were definitely feeling it...

It started as soon as I walked out the door. (I mean, "hobbled" out. Still got the gout foot.) I hear this insanely kind-of-human-but-not-exactly laughing sound. It was extremely weird, and extremely loud. So I'm looking around at all the apartment windows trying to figure out which one now was being inhabited by a witch on crack (OK, I'm really just guessing that's what a witch on crack would sound like...), when all of the sudden something comes barrelling out of the bushes. Or, I should say, some THINGS. You guessed it.....psychotic ducks.

The first duck out of the bush was making all the noise. I'm guessing this was mainly because the second duck out of the bush had a billful of his skin in his mouth. So much so that even when the first duck finally broke free, the second duck was standing there with a feathers hanging out of his mouth. I wish I'd had my camera. Don't see a shot like that every day. Then she continued to glare at the first duck, who ran frantically across the road. It was quite a little spectacle. So then second duck waddles back to the bush, and first duck.....turns around and heads back to the bush as well. Some fowl never learn. I wish I'd had time to stay and watch the rest of it. I do fear though the way the second duck was guarding that bush that we'll soon have more little psycho ducklings quacking up the area. Just what we need....

So I get in the car and head down the road. Suddenly, I'm swarmed by three birds doing kamikaze dives right in front of the car. What in the world??? Then I see him...a poor little squirrel running for his life, while these birds kept dive-bombing him. Man, I don't know what he did, but he sure ticked them off. Don't mess with the birds, man.

So OK, things can't get much stranger, right? Well, on I go and about halfway to work I see this thing by the side of the road. Honestly, it looked like a GIANT skunk. A skunk the size of a dog. Which was fitting, because as it turned out, it WAS a dog. I have no idea what he was doing, but just as I got up to him he all of the sudden jumped straight up in the air, did a half-flip (No, I am not making this up!) and landed ON HIS BACK on the road!! OK...I need to go back home and go back to bed. My last glimpse of him in my rear view mirror had him still rolling around on the asphalt. How odd.

So, I don't know what was up, but I sure hope the critters have it all out of their system by now. The only good thing is they made my day with my co-workers seem relatively tame. I guess there's always a positive side to everything, huh?!

Kentucky Conversations

So, we spent the weekend with the fam in KY. It was a lot of fun, and great to see everyone that we were able to this time around. As Aunt Diana so succinctly put it at one point in the weekend, "You just really forget how crazy all these people are until you spend a day with them again, don't you?!"

As we were driving home last night I was thinking about some of the conversations we'd had and phrases I'd heard over the last 3 days. There was no way not to laugh and just wonder what a stranger would have thought if they'd been passing by and heard some of these comments (honest to goodness, somebody in my family actually said these...):

"Has anybody seen my purple caboodle?"

"Hey, I'm just as capable of reproducing as he is!"

"Well, you see, I pulled a muscle in my shoulder throwing the pigs back in the pen..."

(We almost never hear statements like this in Northern Ohio!)

"After I stuck my hand in my pop then the waiter carried me out..."

"Well, if I was named after an animal sound she'd be able to say my name too!"

"I want a tooth for my anniversary..."

"We live in a former leper colony"

"She likes to eat dirt"

"You can sleep with my husband"

(OK, I'm not gonna tell who said this, but I promise...I was not at ALL meant like it sounds!)

"We spent 3/4 of the morning plunging the sink!"

"See my hoe blister?!"

"Do you all snort like she does??"

"I need somebody to wash dishes and stay out of my way!!"

"I eat Vick's Salve every night..."

Believe it or not, it all really did make sense in the context of what was being spoken. (Well, with the exception of the Vick's Salve thing. I don't think you could really put that statement into a sensible context! But we do love you anyway Shelley!) And now that I've actually said out loud that these things made sense, it gives me a bit of pause to stop and worry about myself.

Eh, I'll be fine. Just as soon as I find that purple caboodle....

Mom's "Help"

I love my mom. I think you know that if you read my Mother's Day blog. She really is a great lady. However, she does have an interesting methodology of "helping" sometimes. At best, it certainly keeps things entertaining. At worst, it brings a slight level of "chaotic" to what would be an otherwise ordinary ordeal...

She, Adam and I were heading to Mansfield the other day after she and Adam had planted Belinda the tree. (See her blog for additional details on this. I'm really not inclined to comment much more on a tree named Belinda.) As we were heading out ST RT 39, Adam commented that there was a nice looking Volkswagen Passat for sale on up the road. I've been contemplating the purchase of another vehicle lately, as my car sounds like the back end is about to fall off at any moment. I don't know what's wrong with the crazy thing. I've had it about 6 or 7 years now and it's pushing 135,000 miles, so I guess it's just getting old and cranky. Eh, it happens to the best of us, I suppose.

So anyway, we get up close to where this car is parked, and I'm trying to check it out. It does look like a nice little thing. So I figure wouldn't hurt to give a call about it. They have the phone number written in soap on the window. So, I quickly scramble for my cell phone to record the number in my "notes" area, and while I'm doing that shout out the following to Mom and Adam..."Remember this number --- 555-2290!" (By the way, I'm doing the little Hollywood movie trick here of using a bogus number just in case someone out there thinks it will be all cute to prank call the actual number and drive the phone number owner crazy! Always one step ahead, I am....)

Anyway, I no sooner finish saying the "0" on the number, when Mom and Adam immediately start repeating it. Well, let me clarify. Adam starts repeating the number. Mom, on the other hand, just starts shouting out random numbers. So, I'm hearing this male voice shouting "555-2290", and a female voice shouting "52289746390..."

Well, then Mom's shouting of numbers got Adam confused with his shouting of numbers, so he reverts to dropping one of the digits and now is just shouting "555-290". Meanwhile, I'm shouting "Mom - stop saying numbers!", which in turn makes Mom start laughing hysterically, while Adam continues to shout "555-290!"

Good lord.

Anyway, I finally get the correct number recorded (How, I have no idea) and everyone to stop shouting. Mom then has the nerve to tell me that she is not going to help me anymore when I ask her for something.

I hear ya Ma.....I hear ya....

Take Two Pills and Call Me Crazy...

I'm suffering from blog withdrawal. I've had so much going on at work that I'm just exhausted when I get home and can't get the creative writing juices flowing. That, and I've been sick.

Every year about this time the same thing happens. All I have to do is look at a tree with little white buds on it, and the head closes up tighter than a bank on Sunday. Can't breathe. Some little tiny person starts pounding little tiny hammers all across my sinus cavities. My eyes alternate between burning like a match and watering like a faucet. My head screams in rebellion at anything even resembling light. Yes my friends, it is time for seasonal allergies. And it is miserable.

So, this year I finally broke down and went to the doctor for it. Yes, you read that right. The doctor. In case you're not aware of my feelings about doctors, let me be clear. I don't like 'em. At all. So on my way to the doctor I'm thinking "I can't believe I'm actually going to the doctor" and trying to psychoanalyze myself as to why I despise doctors so much. I think I've figured it out.

They do dumb things to me, give me bad advice, then take my money.

You scoff at this? Read on, dear friends...

Let's see, there was the time that I had a horrible cough for about a month or longer. It was really deep, and wasn't making any attempt to move out and leave me alone. So I go to the doctor. This was a female named Dr. Milambiling. That name alone should have clued me into the fact that this was not going to end well. So she comes into the room and asks me what's wrong. OK...I'm sitting there barking like a seal with every word I try to say, but she's not sure what's wrong. So she walks to me with this glaring look and listens to my lungs. Then she sits down and starts writing. And writing. And writing. Finally, I bark out "Are you gonna give me something for this??" She then looks at me and says.."How long do you smoke??" WHAT??? "I don't smoke" was my not so patient reply. "Mm Hmm" she says with a "I don't believe you" smirk. Then she says..."I give you prescription, but don't fill it." I looked at her and said "Excuse me??" "Don't fill...just take cough medicine." Honestly. That's what she told me. I said "Thank you very much", took the prescription and got it filled. It's a wonder it even cleared up the problem. The woman was insane. And that marked the last trip to Mrs. Milambiling.

A while later I come up with another problem. Tore my toenail off. Have you ever done that? It's really not a lot of fun. Well, as you might expect, my toe got infected. And it wouldn't clear up. So...it's either go to the doctor or amputate. I relent. End up with MR. Milambiling this time. So he comes in and asks what's wrong. I take off my shoe and tell him, "I think my toe is infected." He kneels down on the floor in front of me and stares at my toe. And stares. And stares. If you want to be a part of something kind of creepy, have a perfect stranger kneel in front of you and stare at your toe for an extended period of time. Really. It'll keep you up at night thinking about it afterward. **shudder**

So anyway, I finally say - "Uhm..are you going to do something here?" He looks up at me and says "You have an infected toe." I reply "I know I have an infected toe." He says "You know this?" Good Night. What is wrong with this dude?? I say "Yes, I believe I just told you I have an infected toe." He then says "See, you have too much toenail missing." Then he takes an ink pen out of his pocket and (I promise with all of my soul that I am not making this up) DRAWS on my toe to "show me" where the toenail is supposed to be. It's a thousand wonders I didn't kick him in the chin. I said "Excuse me...did you just draw on my toe??!" Apparently the answer to that was yes. And then he has the audacity to look at me like I'm the one with the problem. And that marked the last trip to MR. Milambiling.

Then there was the doctor I went to because of another problem I was having that I will not elaborate on. (Trust me, that is something you'll want to be thankful for.) So, she comes in and starts asking a million questions. Then she says.."Are you depressed?" ?????? "Well, not really", I respond. "Are you sure?" "Prrretty sure" "It's OK to admit you know. Here, let me give you a pamphlet about suicide..." OK - what kind of psycho have I picked out this time? I looked at her and said "I don't need a pamphlet about suicide, but I might need one about murder in a minute." (OK, I didn't say that. But I was thinking it.) So then she asks something about my weight, and I tell, "Yeah, I know I need to lose weight." Her response? "Oh no - I'm not being critical about your weight. I wouldn't worry about that. It's just your body's way of telling you this is the size you need to be." OK, first of all..that didn't even make sense. I tell her..."Listen lady, I ain't no doctor, but I know I need to lose weight!" She seemed shocked. And that marked the last trip to psycho suicide doctor.

I don't think any beats stickman though. Had a bump on my gum..was really weird. The only thing I hate worse than a doctor is a dentist, so I went to the doctor. He looks at it, pushes on it, prods around a little then asks "Does it hurt?" I said "No, it doesn't hurt at all." "Hmm"..he says..."How long's it been there?" Well, while I'm answering he reaches down and gets one of those tongue depressor sticks and pushes on it a little. Then, suddenly, he rears the stick back and JABS it. Seeing how I was completely not expecting that..and that it HURT, I yelped! He looks at me in surprise and says..."I thought you said it didn't hurt?!" To which I replied "Well I've Never Jabbed It With A Stick Before!!!" Yeah, I think that was about the last time I went to that dude too.

So, I have decided that it's just easier to live with the little hammers on my face and sucking up Sinex like it's going out of style. I might be miserable, but at least I won't be locked up because I've strangled my practitioner. That would be really depressing.

Of course, if it gets too bad, at least I have that pamphlet to fall back on...

Daffy Ducks

I live in a park. A park that is filled with psychotic ducks.

That's right....

Psychotic Ducks.

I took this photo of some of them a couple of years ago. The white dude there was swimming around biting the feathers off of all the other ducks. The other white one and that grayish one were egging him on.

I tell you, they're pure evil.

Though they apparently don't mind tormenting those of their own kind, they actually live to annoy the humans who come into contact with them. They do this many different ways. Trust me, there is nothing more fun than to come home after an exhausting trip to the grocery store, dreading that you have to now carry 15 bags up 3 flights of stairs.....and as you get out of your car you see the mob approaching. The waddling, quacking mob. Honestly, I could land a job on Dancing With The Stars using the skills I have learned while loading my arms with bags, closing my car doors and trunk - all the while kicking 8-10 ducks out of my backseat and away from my food. Raunchy little things.

Their favorite trick is what I call "slow crossroads". I saw them the other day initiating a new member on their little game plan. I tell you, I could hear them.....quack, quack quack...."The humans come out of that hole over there in that brick thing. Make sure you look very relaxed and lazy laying in the grass. Hey - really fool them - act like you're sleeping. HAHAHA! Then, as they approach that big metal thing on the rubber circles, get up. Slowly now...don't get in a hurry. The metal thing will start to purr...now we kick it up. Get in line behind the others....HAHAHA!!! Here we go - one at a time...single file across the road. HEY - SLOW DOWN! They're starting to look impatient...walk slower! HAHAHA!! OH - they're blowing the horn thing already! We've got them right where we want them! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

No, I have not lost my mind. I tell you...they do this. I have been awakened at three in the morning by cars blowing their horns frenetically outside my window. So as I groggily look out the window, what do I see? THOSE STUPID DUCKS!!! And there is one, I kid you not, sounds just like he's laughing. Laughing Duck I call him.

I hate Laughing Duck.

So, if someday you hear of someone going on a rampage in Northern Ohio and slaughtering a group of "innocent" ducks......Don't believe a word of it.

They deserved everything they got!