A Soggy Tale

Living in the tropical paradise that is North Central Ohio is always interesting. You never really know what the weather may hold. I think it's worse now than it used to be. Maybe it's just because I was a kid and really didn't pay a lot of attention to the weather, but it seemed to me like it used to be a bit more "stable" than nowadays. Our weather is, at best, just insane at times.

This morning I was driving to work and could see the dark clouds gathering in. Yeah, they were planning a party, and it looked like it was going to be held directly over my workplace. Sure enough, about 5 miles away, the drops started. You can sometimes tell how bad the rain is going to be around here by the size of the raindrops. The first one that hit my windshield looked to be about the size of my head. Great...

Well, I did manage to get in before it started gully-washing. (That's a nice hillbilly term there...) And so then it clears up and gets sunny, but HOT and HUMID. That's the worst...the humidity. I took off 1/2 a day, and pick up Ma and we head to Mansfield to get our normal Friday shopping done a bit early. Adam is over there eating lunch with his buddies, and then meets us at Sam's Club. Then we're off to Dollar General Market, because I'm wearing the hottest shirt in the world and am going to die if I don't get it off. A collective decision is made that it would be better if I had something else to put on in it's place, and a cheap T-shirt from the dollar store sounds like a good plan. Somehow I end up spending $18 in there. Mom spends twice that. Good grief.

Then to the health food store. Well, I guess it's more like vitamins and herbs and all that stuff. Anyway, we're there because every time I say the word "gout" to anyone, they immediately respond "You need Black Cherry Juice!" So I'm gonna try it. I bet I hate it. I don't like tart stuff. Wonder how much Splenda it will take to make it tolerable....

So I get the juice and Mom gets some tea and we're off again to the world of Ollie's. This is like a Big Lots style store. One of those places that I have trouble focusing in sometimes. Have you ever done that...gone into a store where there's too much to look at and you just can't comprehend what all you're seeing? Or am I just weird? (I'm not sure I want you to answer that...)

After Ollie's, here we go to Wal-Mart. I mean, what would Friday be without a Wal-Mart visit?? Actually, I've not been to the store in about a week and a half because of gout foot. It is much better, though still a little tender. My bigger problem now however is I limped so much on the foot that it's got the calf of my leg all messed up...so now I limp because of that. So by the time we got through Sam's, Dollar Store, Healthy Store, Ollie's.....I was getting a bit weary. We fly through the Mart as fast as we can. For there is still one more stop to make.

Mom and Adam need to go to Menard's and buy more bricks for the yard. I seriously do not know where they are putting all of these bricks, because this is about the 4th time they've gone over there in the last little bit to get them. I think they're building a secret fort somewhere. I'm just afraid to ask...

Anyway, we bought things like meat and ice cream at Wal-Mart, and those are probably not going to hold up well in the heat of brick-buying. So I'm given the keys to the van to take it home while they brick it. As I'm driving back to Shelby, the dark clouds start gathering for party number 2 of the day. I pull into the drive and another head-sized raindrop hits the windshield. OK, if I run I maybe can get Mom's groceries into the house and my groceries into my car before I get drenched. One small problem with that plan. I can't run. Good lord, I can barely walk. So I open the back of the van and start trying to sort out which bags belong to who, and it begins. A pretty good rain. But, being an Ohio native, I can tell... It's going to get much worse. I get the first round in the house...I'm a little wet. Get the second round in...I've got water dripping off my hair. Go back out to get my bags in my car....

It's a freakin' monsoon.

I'm not kidding...the rain was coming down so hard I couldn't hardly see my car and I was 2 feet away from it. I am absolutely soaked to the skin. Great. So I go get the house locked up and finally get all my bags in my car and get in it. The rain is now blowing completely sideways...there is standing water all over the roads...you can't see your hand in front of your face. And I've got water running in my eyes from where my head is drenched, plus my clothes are sucked to me like a vacuum from where they are drenched.

This is not fun.

I get to the apartment and it's raining even harder. Well, I can't get any wetter than I already am, so start to get out when I hear the pelting sounds. Ah...hail. That's nice. Change of plan...hang out in the car a bit. I grab all the bags from the back seat and try to get them arranged so I can carry as much as possible upstairs on the first try. It's then I realize I accidentally got mom's bag with their donuts in it. Well, they'll probably have a conniption fit about that. They'll have to get over it.

Then, lo and behold, as I'm sitting there, a red truck pulls up beside me. The brick buyers have come by to see if I need help carrying stuff in. Well, it's still pouring, but the hail has stopped, so I jump out and give them the all important donut bag. They, of course, are laughing at me because I look like a drowned rat. I tell them to go on, I'll carry up what I can and get the rest later. Now, my road is on a slight angle, so all of that rain has formed a mini river with flowing rapids running right into where I'm standing. It was honestly over my ankles. So my tennis shoes are also drenched, and I feel my socks sucking around my feet. Great, at least the whole ensemble matches now.

You know, sometimes I could really hate Ohio.

But perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

Or at the very least, I won't be out in it!

A Night In The Brown Life

Last night we went to visit some friends who live in Bellville, about 45 minutes from here. Their oldest son and his wife are moving to Washington (the state) because she is in the military and they've stationed her out there. So they were having a little going away party for them, and asked us to come down.

On the way we decide to grab a quick sandwich because we weren't sure if they were having food or what. (Mom was a little sketchy on the details of the evening.) So we decide to run through Arbys and do the roast beef thing. I ordered just a sandwich with just cheese - none of that runny red sauce they usually put all over the things. When we get them we unwrap the sandwiches and I ask Heather - "does the one you have have just cheese on it?" She answers in the affirmative. So I give Mom the one I have just unwrapped and take the one Heather has. As I'm about to bite into it a little voice tells me I might want to check it again. Sure enough, I have the wrong sandwich. (This is the second time now in the last couple weeks that one of my family members has ate a portion of my food before I could stop them! Heather ate half my taco the other night too! I'm gettin' tired of it, I tell ya!!) So I yell at mom that she's got the wrong sandwich and she swaps the full sandwich I'm holding with the full-sandwich-less-two-bites she's holding. Life is good again.

We soon get to our destination. Mom parks the car, then looks at me and says "They did invite us to this, right?" Well, this is a fine time to ask that question. I say, "Well, whether they did or not, they've got us now cause we're goin' in!" (They had invited us. I think mom's losing it.) We've known this family nearly all our lives and were very close to them when we were kids. They are a big family, and when they all get together...it's really loud. It reminds me a lot of when us Browns all gather in Granny Brown's little house. Basically you can't even hardly hear the person next to you but though nobody can really discern what anybody else is talking about everybody is still laughing and carrying on anyway. We enjoyed chatting with all, then wish Anthony and his wife the best and head out.

Now while we were there I made a huge mistake. I ate a grape. Yes, I said "a grape". I don't know what's going on in my system anymore, but I've got so I can't eat raw fruit. I've somehow become allergic to it. So I'm sitting in the middle of all the loudness and I can feel my throat swelling up. Not bad...just enough to annoy me. (Granted, it doesn't take much to annoy me as a general rule, but...) So when we get back in the car I ask mom if she has a Benadryl because, well, mom always has Benadryl. (That's what we all secretly call her...Benadryl Brenda! hahahahahaha!) She does (see, I told you!) so I take it. It works immediately, but also turns my limbs to pasta in the process. This would be OK except our night is not over as we need to make the obligatory Friday night pass through Wal-Mart. Give me a cart to lay on and off we go.

We quickly make our purchases (apparently everybody was kind of tired and ready to get home tonight) and head for the car. I had purchased a bottle of black cherry water to drink in the car because I was thirsty. (Pretty logical, huh?!) So I go to open it and all of the sudden it erupts like a small volcano, spewing black cherry water everywhere. Mom, who is driving the van, immediately starts making a noise like "NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" OK, gotta tell ya, when you have a small black cherry volcano exploding all over your lap, sounds like that are extremely annoying. So I finally get the water to stop spewing all over me and mom to stop screaming like an insane woman and start trying to figure out why water is erupting on me. Apparently in my Bendaryl-drug induced state I had purchased sparkling water instead of unsparkling water. (I doubt that's the correct term, but you no doubt understand my point.) I don't like sparkling water. Water that fizzes is an unnatural phenomenon that I do not believe God approves of. Unless you've dropped Alka-Seltzer in it. He's probably OK with that. But, for some reason I take a drink anyway (probably because I'm still thirsty) and immediately feel nauseous. So now I'm drenched and sick and all pasta-limbed...OK folks, it's time to call 'er a night.

Which is exactly what we did.

What does the next exciting installment of "The Brown Life" hold? Stay tuned, daring readers, to find out!!!

Fun at WallyWorld

Tonight Mom and I went on our weekly Friday night outing to Mansfield for eating and shopping. Heather usually goes with us, but she wimped out and stayed home tonight, no doubt laying on the couch watching NCIS and gorging on frozen seedless grapes. So Moomaw and I set out for the Sam Walton Tour of Sam's Club and Walmart. And I tell you, if you can survive a night of traipsing through both of those stores, you are made of stout stuff!

We first prepare ourselves with a hearty Quizno's sub. (Ah...Turkey, Bacon & Guacamole...you are heaven sent...) Then off to the ultimate warehouse extraordinaire! I mean, who can pass up a 500 count bottle of daily vitamins, or a 12 pound box of Fiber One bars?? (Do you have any idea what that many Fiber One bars could do to your digestive system??!) Mom eyes the flat screen TV's...she has been bitten by the bug, I think! (Hezzo and Adam got one for Christmas, and I got one in the great machine mutiny of previous days, as detailed in a former blog...) However, she resists. (A strong woman, she is!) We leave there with considerably less money than when we walked through the doors.

Next, on to the abysmal pit that is Walmart. It is a masochist's dream, really. I find it truly amazing that you can pass 37 aisles with no one in them, but as you reach the one with the item you absolutely have to have you suddenly are thronged by 68 people, all with carts and all just standing and staring at the selection in front of them. Well, all except for the 15 who are standing there talking to someone else and blocking any possible hole that there may be to get through the aisle. It takes a great deal of strategic planning to navigate such an obstacle course. Trust me, it is not for the faint of heart!

Now, between Sam & Wally's we have walked about 36 miles tonight. And we're only halfway through Wally's. We are weary...we are tired....we seek but just a spot of rest. But we continue on, bravely facing each ensuing enemy with fortitude of heart. There's the screaming child, who's shrill little voice has the ability to shatter even the healthiest of eardrums...the go-cart-shopping-cart-driver who does not know how to drive the go-cart-shopping-cart, therefore keeping you jumping at every turn in fear of being run over by the wanna-be Mario Andretti...the gang of LOUD people who seem to follow you wherever you go, even when you zig-zag your normal shopping patterns in an attempt to lose them. **Sigh**

Finally we make it to the front of the store. This is known as the land of "wait in line forever". (OK, I'll give them this, tonight they did pretty good. But it's usually not that way!) After handing over whatever money you may have left after Sam's dug into your pocketbook, you are finally free!! Well, that is, if you can make it past those giant security thingies that start screaming if you have anything in a bag that has the least little bit of label showing on it. After being searched and interrogated, you are released. As the doors open miraculously in front of you, you are filled with glee...Home, here we come!!!

If only we could remember where we parked the car....